Over the past few years, the Lord has taught me some beautiful things about Himself. Motherhood has an interesting way of giving new perspectives on things. There are many life events or challenges that cause us to ask big questions, to doubt or fear. Its not only moms who are given glimpses of our Father’s love in the mother-child relationship. As a child ourselves we can see a unique ways our parents point us to the Lord by simply providing for us and loving us. I experienced some dark times as a new mama navigating postpartum anxiety and depression. There were many times I felt overwhelmed by how out of control I felt. That no matter what I did this tiny person was unpredictable and constantly needy. I didn’t have all the answers and no longer had freedom to do whatever I need or wanted. Dying to self became necessary. It’s a big life change for parents. But it can bring growth or despair for Christians. Thankfully the Lord can turn our despair into growth. Most of us, whether mothers or not, have been through trials that test us and bring temptation to doubt. If my worst nightmare comes true will I survive, will Christ still be with me? Will he really be enough?
My mind was so quick to imagine scenarios of my child being attacked, or dropped or forgotten. Sleep was scarce and rest was nonexistent. I struggled to figure out how I would mother my baby and what was the “right way” to mother my baby. Was I doing enough? Was I doing too much? I felt my weakness, failures and insufficiencies in a whole new light. There were months that went by where I felt I was stuck there. Despairing in my lack of ability to be my definition of supermom and a good wife and homemaker. But as His child our Father did not leave me there. He brought me to reality. Not that my weakness wasn’t realistic. But realistically why was a daughter of the King, an inheritor of the Kingdom, a ransomed soul living as though she was abandoned. We all can lie to ourselves and think our problems are too big or complex. That for some reason this particular trial is just too unusual and not something our Father could or would want to deal with. This lie steals so much joy and starves our souls.
I learned the truth through a humbling experience. I have always been scared of bugs. They are too unpredictable. You don’t always know where they are, or if they are poisonous. This fear was only emphasized when I had babies who could also be attacked. One afternoon after a panic attack that came after killing several wasps on our back porch, I prayed and asked the Lord to give me peace and calm my mind. I was immediately struck with the words Jesus spoke over the stormy sea. “Peace be still.” I was frustrated by this because I didn’t feel like the storm in my head was listening. Then I realized He wasn’t talking to the storm. He was talking to my heart. He doesn’t always stop the difficultly we are facing when we pray for help. He does promise to strengthen us and nurture us. I also felt a deep understanding that He is never surprised by the storm. It’s exactly where it’s supposed to be. Not one raindrop or gust of wind or insect or blade or grass or hair on our baby’s head is misplaced by even a millimeter. It’s perfectly placed by a loving Father. Guided by His hand. As mothers we can focus on how seemingly fragile and vulnerable our children’s lives are. Being a nurse I had textbooks full of issues that my mind got to play with and worry about my child experiencing. But the truth is they are kept by a love stronger and more constant than mine. Not one aspect of my baby’s life is out of His control. When we live in this mindfulness – this is where peace and rest are found. This is where our hearts and minds have space for joy and thanksgiving. For worship. We must set our minds on the reality that each moment is held by our wise and loving Father – each cell of our bodies. Each atom in its place. All existing for a singular purpose. To glorify our King. The beauty and creation around us is meant to to be noticed by His children. With a deep understanding that it is for us to mindfully acknowledge as revelation of His goodness and power. If we are His redeemed, this mindset can only bring worship and love for our Savior. He has given us a every atom around us, every breath to feel His love in. His grace and provision in everything around us. Somehow during the storm we can feel the most peaceful, sustained and calmed.
Not only are we comforted by Him during trials, we are nurtured and nourished. We find a never ending bounty in Christ that satisfies our every need. I think we get to see a wonderful reflection of this in the mother and child. I remember the first few nights as a mother hearing my baby cry out in the night for me. That frantic, needy cry. How scary all these new experiences must be for them. Each one must seem like a such a huge storm to them. For the first time feeling cold, pain, silence, even the loudness of their own cry must be a stunning sound ringing in their head. But there is one constant – mother. Her voice, smell, heartbeat and warmth are a familiar comfort that so often instantly brings baby back to remember oh yes. I’m ok. She is here. With those frantic cries in the night when we go to our babies pull them close to ourselves and replenish their hunger, comfort them with our love – you know the scene. That instant hush that babies have when food is in their mouth and their hands clasp around it and eyes close. In this act we get to take part of a glorious picture of the child of God being drawn to the Father, fed, sustained and comforted by His love. And when others watch a mother comfort her child, they witness a glimpse of what it would be like to have our Father bring them as His child from a frantic, sorrowful state to peace and fullness.
All of us, mothers or not, will be called to go through storms. The deep waters may seem too great. But we know we are held fast by someone who holds every atom in place. And our cries may not always be answered by the removal of the storm. But we will always find peace in Christ. We will always find Him faithful to fill us when we are empty. That is very difficult for me to remember. I get determined to be and do enough. I want to be strong enough, wise enough, cute enough, servant hearted enough so that my life runs smoothly and everyone praises me for how great I am. What a silly expectation! What a prideful heart! The Lord kindly reminds me over and over that it is not in my strength or my enoughness that I receive the Peal of greatest price. It is in my weakness and my emptiness that the Lord chooses to fill and strengthen me. So when I feel overwhelmed and out of control – or everything I’ve tried to discipline my child has failed or when I didn’t treat my husband in a loving way. The answer isn’t to try harder next time. I can’t will or plan or discipline myself into being a perfect mom or wife or friend. I must empty myself. I must humble myself. I must see my need and go to my Father who is not only wise and powerful and merciful. He is wisdom. He is power. He is mercy. We have the very source if these attributes as our Father. We must not try to fill ourselves up when we are literally offered God Himself. And He holds us in His perfect will. I pray we can live in this mindfulness and it drive our hearts to continually worship our Father.
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43
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