Before I got pregnant with Audrey, I went through a personal health journey and learned a lot about how God designed our bodies to function. How that design works best and is how our bodies can thrive. This is true for childbirth and as I began looking into natural birth vs induction/medicated birth I realized there are many studies that link certain postpartum and hormonal health problems to specific birth practices. I had struggled postpartum after my last two babies and wanted to try to decrease the stress on my body with the next baby.
I quickly found many women talking about the emotional and spiritual benefits of natural labor. I watched “The Business of Being Born,” a documentary on the history of obstetrics and the forgotten importance and beauty of natural birth. It blew my mind. I remember crying at how beautiful birth can be. And by how much more there seemed to be to birth than I had experienced. With my first to two babies, I had been induced and had an epidural. They were very pleasant births with no pain or trauma. But they felt passive. I felt like a spectator to my own labor and delivery.
After we found out we were expecting Audrey, I started researching birthing practices, techniques and read several books. Ina May Gaskin’s book, the Bradley method, and the Evidence Based Birth podcast gave me a lot of useful information. They made birth sound like such a natural human experience and normal function of the female body. It was not something to fear – it was as natural as walking or digestion! I loved the app “Christian Hypno-birthing,” as it taught me that the mental and physical intensity of labor was an important opportunity to draw close to my Heavenly Father. It was an opportunity to worship, depend and feel sustained by God in a way I had never felt before. This idea fascinated me the most. This way of viewing labor was never talked about in the obstetrics areas I worked in. The desire to birth without pain medicine could have nothing to do with pain relief, but actually about the significance of the sensations and chance to be present with your body as it goes through such an amazing journey.
I had a friend who said her favorite moment during labor was calling out to God for strength and then feeling Him physically sustain her. Often as Christians we are faced with challenges that cause us to beg God to sustain us. Usually mentally and spiritually. But to physically feel as though your body can not go on – then feel His powerful strength pulse through you, meeting the next contraction and feeling stronger than before… what a joy to feel His closeness and faithfulness in this way. I wanted this. I had faith that He would sustain me too. I didn’t fear labor because He had taught me that He is good and sufficient for anything that comes across my path. Birth, a beautiful and sacred event is an opportunity to grow in my love and dependence of Him.
Throughout my pregnancy I meditated often on God’s perfect wisdom and power over my body and growing baby. I felt held and sustained even through those stages. I began to dilate earlier with Audrey. At 36 weeks I was 3cm and considered the possibility of her arriving early. I nested and prepped our home quickly. At 37 weeks I was 4cm, and at 38 & 39 weeks I was 4-5. I tried just about everything to put myself into labor, thinking that surely being so dilated I would respond to long walks, deep cleaning my house, mowing our grass and squats. But it was not time yet. My obstetrician, who I love and trust so, was going out of town for a week. He was very supportive of my birth plans and of my decision to birth without an epidural. Since I had given birth so quickly with my last babies and was dilated, he said he thought my labor would be short and sweet – perfect for natural birth. I felt very safe under his care and knew I didn’t want to go into labor while he was gone. So I gave up trying to start labor at home. Of course this was what my body needed to relax enough and rest for contractions to begin.
The morning of July 1st I woke up having some contractions. I had been having stronger ones off and on for a couple of weeks, so ignored them. I was heading into work that morning for some meetings (I am a lactation consultant at the Women’s Hospital I gave birth at.) When I was in the shower I noticed my surges were strong and that they were not getting farther apart. I thought for a moment, “Maybe this is real labor? Should I clean my house before I go to work?” I quickly decided this was just another false alarm and left the house. As I was driving to work, my surges got stronger and I noticed they were closer together. I called Jordan who was at work and told him. He was not surprised and agreed that it was probably not actually labor. But we decided I should start timing them. I was shocked to realize they were 6 minutes apart.
When I arrived at work and to my meeting, I mentioned to my boss, almost joking that I might be in labor. She had many years of experience as an L&D nurse, so I wanted her opinion. She assured me that I would know when it was the real thing. So we went along with our meetings and I kept timing my contractions on my phone under the table as we talked. During the surges I soon realized I couldn’t really talk or form a thought during its intensity, but I was able to sit, breath and listen normally. After an hour or so, my surges were about 3 minutes apart. I decided I needed to alert Jordan and my mom. This was probably turning into something. Could it be labor? My sweet friend Shelley, who was planning to be with me during labor, was in the meeting with me. She noticed that my breathing had changed and my face looked flushed. She went to our office and brought in my birthing ball for me to sit on for the remainder of the meeting because I still was not convinced this was labor. My OB was supposed to be getting home from vacation that day. I think I was in denial and was subconsciously hoping I would wait until he arrived.
Another 45 minutes passed. My contractions were a minute and a half apart. I began involuntarily moaning very soft and low with the contractions. At this point Shelley and my boss insisted I check in. They walked me around to the admissions desk and my coworker Maegan got my bags from my car. Jordan was close by at work and made it to the hospital quickly. They admitted me about 1:30pm. My labor and delivery nurse Reagan, was such a God-send. She prayed over us first thing and I knew she going to be a comfort during labor. She told me she would check in on me and do whatever I needed, but she would not do cervical checks until I was ready. Her view of natural birth and her experience knowing the way labor looks for a mom going natural was great. She knew I needed to move around a lot, take a shower if needed and not have lots of interruptions. I changed into a gown and had the wireless monitor attached to my belly. It took about 15 minutes to calibrate and adhere to my skin, so I had to lay on my back for a bit. Every time I would lay on my back during labor, the intensity and pressure in my back would increase. It made them significantly more painful.
For the first hour or two I tried to stay active and on my feet. I walked around the room, sat on the birthing ball, swayed/slow danced with Jordan, squatted, got on all fours, and leaned over the bed. Jordan was constantly there, meeting each contraction with me. He kept me positive – when I would comment on what I was feeling, back pain, pelvic pressure, nausea…etc he would reply positively and assure me that was a good sign that labor was progressing. Mentally this helped me so much. Instead of “Aw, I’m sorry you’re hurting. It’ll be ok,” which I think would have made me pity myself, he pushed me to welcome the intensity and get excited that my body was moving through the labor process well. I felt so in the zone that honestly I didn’t notice when people came in or out of the room. I felt like my mind and body were in sync and focused on birth.
After a while I started getting tired. I realized I had been vocalizing with each contraction. I was intentionally trying to use only low tones, which can help open and prevent your cervix/perineum from being tense and tight. I decided I needed to let my body rest some and vocalizing was requiring more energy. I had been using the Christian Hypnobirthing app during my pregnancy to prepare for birth. I listened to a few of the tracks and was able to slow my breathing down, feel calm and focused. The tracks have guided breathing exercises and meditation – the message being that God made my body to birth my baby and I can trust His design, His will and His loving hands holding us both. They reminded me that my strength comes from an all-powerful God and He can give me what I need to birth my baby. The tracks were so helpful keeping my heart engaged with the big picture and my goals. I wasn’t just a mom waiting for my baby to arrive, I was a portal. My body had grown this life and was the doorway for my child into this earthly life. It’s such a holy calling and sacred duty as a mother. I wanted to be mentally present, mindfully aware of this as I was giving birth to my Audrey. Jordan noticed that while I was calm, meditating and worshipping God for His design and faithfulness, my contractions seemed stronger and closer. My body, mind and spirit were in unison.
Another hour passed and I started to hit transition. I vomited a few times. It was not uncomfortable or miserable though, it felt like a release. I asked my nurse to check me around this time and I was 8cm. I was feeling so weary and started to waver emotionally. My nurse told me my water bag was very thick and she thought it would be a couple more hours. I was very discouraged my this. I began to hit a wall. I asked the nurse about an epidural, which she told me I could have if I really wanted it. I don’t remember Jordan’s exact words, but he leaned close and whispered in my ear. He reminded me of why I had said I didn’t want an epidural and that it was a good sign I was having this wave of doubt. He reminded me it was a sign I was getting really close. Most women have a big wave of doubt around transition – right before they start pushing. The contractions got a lot more intense and I began praying aloud with each surge. “God please help me! I need you. Please give me strength. Jesus please hear me. Help me through this.” My body felt weak. I remember thinking, I feel wobbly on my feet. I had been standing beside the bed and leaning over it for a while. But with every surge, my body kept going. I felt my strength restored and my Heavenly Father holding me.
I started moving around the room and bed pretty continuously. My contractions were close together. My prayers got louder. My nurse grabbed my hands and bent down to make eye contact with me. She told me “Your body was meant to do this.” I remember feeling like it wasn’t just her reminding me of this, it was the Holy Spirit through her. I had been trusting Him through my pregnancy and mentally preparing to trust His design through labor. Now it was time to truly put my faith to the test. This was such an intense and beautiful lesson in trusting Him and learning of His sufficiency. Another 30 minutes or so passed and I decided it was time to break my water. I was ready to start pushing. This part of labor had been most intimidating to me. I thought the stretching and intense pressure would be the most painful part of birth. I had begun squatting on the bed with the squat bar that attaches to the hospital bed. The doctor came in and said he would break my water if I was sure I wanted him too. When I laid back for him to break my water, I started talking to Audrey. I told her I was ready to hold her and it was time to finally be born. I had been talking to her for weeks telling her I was ready if she was. I sat up and grabbed the squat bar. The doctor said call me when you’re ready to push. He got to the door and I exclaimed, “I’m pushing!!” My nurse checked me and Audrey was crowning. The most surprising thing was that her head descending did not hurt. The contractions in my abdomen did, but my perineum stretching and opening did not. I felt her coming and felt my body starting to push so I tried to focus my strength down there to increase the pressure. It felt so involuntary. I pushed one time and her head and body delivered all at once. The doctor who had just been in the doorway was rushing to get his gloves on, but she was too fast and she landed in the bed. We lifted her up quickly and realized I had a very short umbilical cord. She would not reach to my chest. My delayed cord clamping goal was cut short and was only about a minute and thirty seconds. She waited to breath and then her breathing was fast for a bit. I knew all she needed was to lay on mama’s chest and my body would regulate her. She laid on my chest for the first 2 hours. She latched well and fed.
The bliss in those first moments were so much clearer and focused than my other babies. I think the pain meds had clouded some of my memories with them. With Audrey I soaked in every smell, touch and sensation. I felt her heart beating against mine. Natural birth can be such a worshipful experience. It was for me. I marveled at His glory expressed in the way He designed my body and in the purity and magnificence of my baby’s face. I saw a new refreshed view of the gospel as I felt my inadequacy and called out to my Father, my only hope and salvation. I felt His hand sustain me, lift me and bring such joy through the pain. I realized this was a lesson that really applied to all of my life, not just childbirth. He was good. He was in control. And that’s my greatest comfort. His gifts are expressions of His majesty. It’s my role to glorify Him and enjoy Him forever. I felt this deeply through childbirth.
Throughout my pregnancy I sang this song to Audrey. I played it through labor and sang it to her when I held her for the first time. It’s truly my prayer for my babies.
“Before you close your eyes to sleep
I have a promise still to keep
As I hold you in my arms
I pray your little frame grows strong
And faith take hold while you are young
This is my prayer for you
Hold my hand, I’ll teach you the way to go
Through the joys, through the tears
The journey of these years
May you trust Him till the end
May you trust Him in the end
This world is not as it should be
But the Savior opens eyes to see
All that’s beautiful and true
Oh may His light fill all you are
And the jewel of wisdom crown your heart
This is my prayer for you
Hold my hand, I’ll teach you the way to go
Through the joys, through the tears
The journey of these years
He is with us till the end
He is faithful till the end
You’ll travel where my arms won’t reach
As the road will rise and lead your feet
On a journey of your own
May my mistakes not hinder you
But His grace remain and guide you through
This is my prayer for you
Take His hand and go where He calls you to
And whatever comes, seek Him
With all your heart
This will be my prayer for you
Father hear my ceaseless prayer
Oh keep her in your care”
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