Does a new baby make marriage difficult?

When couples go through the huge lifestyle shift that a new baby brings, it’s easy to hold a lot of resentment against each other.

We can create expectations for each other that we never verbalize – sometimes because we feel like we shouldn’t have to ask and sometimes because we don’t even realize we have them.

I expected my husband to notice when I was tired and wanted him to take a turn changing a diaper or picking up the baby when he cried. I also expected that he would encourage, comfort, and serve me through the doubt, pain, and emotions of postpartum. I imagined him holding me when I cried, feeding me dinner while I nursed and my hands weren’t free, listening closely to my feelings, and doing housework so I could rest. 

Honestly, I expected him to predict my needs and meet them before I even asked. I expected him to notice how hard I was working and pushing myself and how exhausted I was trying to be the very best mom I could be. I expected him to praise me and tell me “You’re doing so much! Let me take a turn so you can take a break.” All before I even asked.

He later shared with me that at the same time he was completely overwhelmed and surprised by how chaotic the first weeks were. He had expected he would know exactly how to be a dad and loving husband, but when the baby came, he felt clueless. He wanted to do the right thing and know how to help the baby and me thrive, but he could not see where he fit in. The baby wanted to latch constantly. He didn’t know anything about breastfeeding and felt overwhelmed by how complicated it could be.

“How can we know he is getting enough? What’s his weight loss? Jaundice? What does that mean? We are supposed to count poops? I have no idea how many he has had. I didn’t know I was supposed to count! How do I remember to check his diaper? Anna will remind me. How do I protect him from sickness and starvation? I can’t feed him. I can’t make him stop crying. I don’t even know how to make Anna stop crying. I don’t understand why she is so tense.”

He expected that the baby would tell us what he needed, and we would know how to fix any situation that came up. He expected to know how to calm the baby and comfort me. He expected me to ask him when I couldn’t do something that needed to be done. He did not expect sleepless nights, screaming, crying, or tension.

Sharing expectations is necessary. If you don’t, then you will stay frustrated forever. Sometimes we realize what we expect is unrealistic or unfair to the other person. Sometimes the other person finally understands what we feel and can help. Sometimes we realize that we don’t want to or can’t meet the other person’s expectations and they need to change their priorities.

Tell your husband if you’re feeling hurt and unsupported. Share that you need him to care for your baby too. Share what you think being a dad means and what your expectations are for him. Tell him how it makes you feel – what makes you feel alone, scared, mad, and unloved. Share what kind of comfort and support you want when you’re upset. Hugs? Him to hold the baby? Foot massage? Food?

When you ask him to help, be as specific as possible. Don’t wait for him to see that you need something. Tell him as soon as you can.

And allow him to share his expectations. Does he expect you to always know what to do for the baby? Does he expect you to calm her when she cries? Is he surprised by how crazy life is and doesn’t know what to do? Did he try to help at the beginning and felt like he failed so he gave up?

Both of you ask yourselves if you are continuing to keep the vows to each other that you made at your wedding. This trial tests relationships and is an opportunity to be truly selfless for each other and your child. 

If that sounds impossible, remember that it is.

We don’t have the ability to put others above ourselves with patience, kindness, and faithfulness. We can’t love like Jesus. That’s a supernatural thing. We must humble ourselves and ask the Holy Spirit to grant us this ability.

During this hectic time, don’t neglect time with the Lord. Don’t let chaos pull you away from the Word. Let the trials push you deeper into it. Even if it’s tiny snippets and short prayers throughout the day. Turn your heart to eternal things and meditate on His Word.

God put you and your husband together on purpose and will use each of you to sanctify each other and teach you about Christ. He loves you and will use these trials to make you love Him more.