One of the challenges with sleep training (or the “cry it out” method) is that we expect babies to understand that it’s time to sleep, learn how to self-soothe, and wait for food. Developmentally infants do not have the ability to understand the passage of time yet. They know what their body tells them they need, and crying is how they communicate that.
Self-soothing is a tricky subject. Even as adults we don’t self-soothe. We have calming things that we use to help us fall asleep and feel secure. We have a dark room, fan, sound machine, maybe our spouse beside us, comfort clothes, etc. What happens if one or all of those things are taken away? Can we sleep well?
Babies and children learn age appropriate comfort measures by their parents introducing them in a known and safe environment as the child is ready. The timeline is different for each child. During babyhood, it’s usually with mama and daddy. When infants “cry it out” and eventually stop crying it is not because they learn how to soothe themselves. They realize that crying is not getting their needs met, so they stop.
Here is an excerpt from a study in infant cortisol levels during CIO sleep training:
As expected on the first day of the program, mothers’ and infants’ cortisol levels were positively associated at initiation of nighttime sleep following a day of shared activities. Also, when infants expressed distress in response to the sleep transition, mother and infant cortisol responses were again positively associated.
On the third day of the program, however, results showed that infants’ physiological and behavioral responses were dissociated. They no longer expressed behavioral distress during the sleep transition, but their cortisol levels were elevated. Without the infants’ distress cue, mothers’ cortisol levels decreased. The dissociation between infants’ behavioral and physiological responses resulted in asynchrony in mothers’ and infants’ cortisol levels.
In other words, mother and baby were both measurably stressed in those first few days of training. The baby stopped calling for the mother within a few days. The mother, not hearing cries, stopped being stressed by the separation. But the baby’s stress continued. It’s just that no one could hear it. [1]
Babies don’t self soothe when they are left alone, they merely adapt to being alone. Parents must do the soothing. When we soothe a baby to sleep, like nursing to sleep or rocking, they feel comfortable, and their needs are met. Those needs being: feeling safe, cared for, fed, comforted by familiarity and absence of fear. Babies can’t do any of those things by themselves. At the end of the day – baby’s needs are met by snuggles and mama’s milk. (Sometimes that’s the same thing.)
The more I have learned about parenting, the more I realize no one has it figured out. Kids can always throw you for a loop. And that’s good because it keeps us needy and running to the Heavenly Father. Through my classes as a lactation counselor, I learned babies are designed to eat throughout the night. Prolactin levels are highest at night, milk is more calorie dense, and we produce more milk at night. Important nutrients and calories are fed in those night sessions. Middle of the night feedings are arguably more important than daytime feedings.
I truly believe our biology and instincts are to sleep close to other humans. The safety and comfort we feel is written into us as a need. That looks different for everyone. For my babies that meant sharing my bed and allowing them to touch me while they slept. I got to be their safe haven and constant comfort. Meeting each need. Answering every cry. Present for each touch and sound. So much like our Heavenly Father is for us. When we cry out for Him needing reassurance of our safety in His hand, He answers faithfully – comforting us with reminders of His sovereignty and love. What a privilege we have as parents to echo this. Giving of ourselves in those nighttime hours, loving unconditionally. It’s a beautiful, exhausting calling. But we aren’t supposed to be strong enough or patient enough to obey that. We are to go to Him constantly to be filled with the grace to love as He does.
I found myself meditating on this when I would snuggle with my baby every couple hours in the evenings. Worshiping God for bringing me to Himself when I was starving and scared. Not only bringing me from an unknown dark room but nurturing me and feeding me with the bounty of Christ. Comforting and nurturing your baby is such an amazing picture of that. Our God can give joy and peace in this sacred calling and fellowship with our Father in new ways. Mama’s and daddy’s cuddles and love are exactly what your baby needs and that’s exactly what you can give.
[1] Middlemiss, Wendy, Douglas A. Granger, Wendy A. Goldberg, and Laura Nathans. “Asynchrony of mother–infant hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis activity following extinction of infant crying responses induced during the transition to sleep.” Early human development 88, no. 4 (2012): 227-232.
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